What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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