I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
