My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
