Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
