I think I am morally bankrupt
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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