My brain says no but my pants say off.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can't turn off my feet"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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