you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
