is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
