i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
