I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
