No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
