he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
