All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
