it's too hot outside to masturbate.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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