no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
