I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
