I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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