On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
thus making me awesome and them whores
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
