Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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