M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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