i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
