I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
