What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
