I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
