So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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