totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize