if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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