how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
