my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
