Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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