i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
