I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
