do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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