So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
