That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
