3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
