So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
