her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
