I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
