I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
