Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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