I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize