If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
