I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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