Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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