dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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