Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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