The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I came so hard my ears popped.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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