i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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