I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
