are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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