Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
