god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
