New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
