look no pants
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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