The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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