mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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