Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
