Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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